Hi again. It’s me, Elvis.
Since coming off the track, I have discovered the thrills of jumping: it combines the breakneck speeds I crave, with an exhilarating adrenaline rush when you take flight.
For you newbies out there, here now is a breakdown of the different jumps you will encounter in the hunter or jumper ring, or out on the cross country course, and what to do when you encounter them.
The Cavaletti: ain’t nobody got time for that.
The Coop: this seemingly innocuous jump likely has gremlins or other strange creatures lurking within. Proceed with extreme caution.
The Brush Box: this is a pit stop. Jumping is hard work and if you’re anything like me you’re constantly ravenous, so take a quick bite before popping over.
The Combination: this is best jumped as one obstacle. Forget the one or two strides in between.
The Oxer: this optical illusion is a test of will and wits. Take off several paces before and get as much clearance as you can. You can never be too certain there aren’t some invisible poles hidden in and around the jump.
The Liverpool: do not approach. Who knows what horrors lie beneath the murky waters…
The Tire Jump: this strange rubbery black substance wields mysterious powers. Give a snort as you approach to warn your human, just in case she forgot the potential hazard ahead.
The Skinny: this one is too easy. I prefer to jump the standard. Or just go around, hardly worth your time.
The Barrel Jump: this one has a Western flair, so act accordingly. Upon landing, take off like the barrel racer you are meant to be channeling.
The Stone Wall: never forget that stones are quite frequently sleeping dragons. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT wake the dragon. Get over this one as quickly as you can and get out of there!
The Ditch: this one requires some complicated calculations to master. Since the ditch is below sea level, the force of gravity is thus greater (F=mv2? I should have paid more attention in physics), therefore you must overcompensate by increasing your vertical trajectory in order to avoid being sucked into a black hole.
If I’ve missed any jumps, feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments below; I’m all ears!