When I close my eyes, I can still picture his horrifying countenance: Peanut (see photo above for a likeness) haunts my dreams, and turns every waking moment into a vivid nightmare.

Last night, I was in my palace, minding my own business, being fed carrots by my most loyal and subservient subject, when out of nowhere, a creature so vile, so terrifying, stood before me that all I could do was shudder from within the core of my being.

Peanut’s beady little eyes stared straight into my soul, and I could feel his evil wrath.

I tried to move but was frozen in place by some mysterious force (scribe’s note to reader: this mysterious force was in fact a set of cross-ties), which prevented my escape. I was left to stare in horror as this thing came nearer and nearer; a sense of impending doom loomed over me, my heart raced, every muscle and sinew tensed in fearful anticipation of what was to come next.

I could not help but let out a loud snort. In that moment I had given myself away, Peanut knew now that he had me, and he had tasted my fear.

Here is a fairly good representation of what I looked like in this moment:

Note however that this horse is not nearly as handsome as I am.

Just when I thought I was done for, to my extreme surprise, Peanut spoke to me:

“Never mind” quoth the pony, “never mind.”

And with that, his minions led him away to another part of the palace. I commanded my servant take me back to my chambers, where, within the safety of my own four walls, I stood in shock and disbelief as I contemplated what had just occurred.

My life was spared this time, but next time I may not be so lucky. I hope this will serve as a lesson to you all, to always be on the lookout for intruders, usurpers and villainous foes.


His most Royal Highness, King of Rock ‘n Roll, runner of races, jumper of jumps, eater of carrots,

Elvis (J.C. Slewdownfromheaven)